National Day of Prayer (or as I like to call it "Pretending to Masturbate" day)

  Well, it's that time of year again.  Time to bow our heads, clasp our hands together and murmur to which ever deity you currently worship to pretty pretty please with sugar on top and a big fat fucking cherry magically make this place, country, world, or your paycheck better.

 Welcome to National Day of Prayer 2012, Thursday May 3rd.  It's been going on since the early 50's and if you believe the rhetoric coming out of  the current "christian nation" regarding the state of this country and its downward spiral into godlessness it apparently hasn't done one bit of good.  If they have been praying over the last 70 years for the good ole U.S. of A. to become a more prosperous nation and to smite all of these godless, homosexual, liberal, socialist, communist, lazy, hippy, immigrant, traitors,  why the hell hasn't it worked yet?   What did Einstien (attributed quote, I couldn't find citation) say about doing the same thing over and over again, expecting the same results?

  Because prayer is like pretending to masturbate.

   What the fuck is this guy talking about??  Give me a second, I'll get us there. You see, at least with masturbation there is a real and positive outcome.  Regardless of how self gratifying the act is, it still accomplishes what it sets out to do.  Pretending to masturbate on the other hand (pun totally intended) is still a self gratifying act, but accomplishes nothing.   I equate prayer to exactly that.  It's a way to feel connected to something greater then yourself, while pretending to do something to help the world around you.  It is quite simply lazy.

  So, to all my agnostic, atheist, free thinking, skeptic, bright, anti-theist, irreligious, secular, or humanist NON participants in Thursdays pretend circle jerk, I offer you this alternative public physical gesture.   This can be done whether you're male or female. If you should happen upon any participants of National Day of Prayer, try this.

1. With your arm outstretched in front of you, make a fist.
2. Rotate your fist outward (clock wise for your right hand, counter clock wise for your left)
3. Bring your fist (thumb should be on top) to the level of your belly button.
4. Begin making an up and down motion (pointed slightly away from you) with your fist, bending at the elbow.
5. Continue to make up and down motion (feel free to vary your speed and range of motion) while hoping out loud for a problem to go away.  Things I like to say are "I hope these starving kids in the world get some food", or "I'm voting for [insert Republican nominee or bible based measure here]."  Sing a song, or just make a simple proclamation.  Try "Jesus Loves the Little Children" or shout out over and over "Mohammed is the man"...
6. Continue for as long as you'd like.
7. When you are ready to conclude your praying, on your final upstroke,  extend your fingers out as if you were tossing dice and yell "Hallelujah" or "Amen" (R'amen would be acceptable for my FSM friends.)
 or just moan
 
  If you haven't been arrested or verbally accosted by now,  you should thank whoever you've just "prayed" with and politely excuse yourself.  You have now participated in National Day of Prayer 2012.  Pat yourself on the back and continue doing whatever it was you were doing before you affected some great and positive change in this world by pretending to masturbate.

   Instead, maybe check to see if there are any National Day of Reason rallies near you.  Or maybe you could call a family member and tell them you love them,  volunteer for some community work, check in on an elderly neighbor, donate food to a food bank, or clothes to a secular charity.  Do anything at all, but just do something.  And instead of one day a year, shoot for once a month or one day a week. What ever your schedule permits.  I know we all have lives to live, jobs to work, kids to raise, spouses to love, pets to care for, we are all busy people. But we should all try to make some time to help out those less fortunate, to make a change for the better on our own streets, communities, cities, states, country and planet.

  Not because we want to go to heaven, not because we are afraid of hell.  But because roughly 237 million self identifying christians in America think that pretending to masterbate is really going to make a difference.

Fuck You Michigan

  Wow,  woke up this morning and read the news-  Michigan passes "Anti-bullying Bill" with a loophole so big, the entire Christian nation can fit through.  WHAT THE FUCK?  By now, you may have caught on to the fact that I have a hard on for the LGBT community (pun intended).  I have some very good friends and family who I can't stand to see discriminated against because of their sexual orientation (it's not a fucking "preference").  But this Bill goes much further then just the LGBT's.  Simply put, this bill affords anyone the right to bully anyone else if they can justify their speech with moral or religious convictions and or beliefs.  Now take a breath, this bill is not unconstitutional.  It is worded in a way that it doesn't endorse any specific religion, nor does it  name any specific religion or moral conviction that it prohibits.  Pretty much stating that "Hey, what ever form of hate you have is cool, as long as you're sincere about it." I'll provide a link to the bill at the bottom, as well as the section in question.

  I know what your thinking- "This guy is getting all steamed up again over some shit that doesn't have anything to  do with him.  That bill passed in Michigan, not in California!"  Bullshit,  this bill stinks worse then Prop 8 and that one passed here in my home state (which by most maps is considered a "blue" state.)  Imagine your daughter being harassed by the PARENTS of a fellow student, being called a whore, and being told that she was going to burn in hell because she was wearing lip gloss.  How about your son being told in class by the teacher or principal that he's an idiot for thinking that god doesn't exist (or simply believing in a different one) and that he should repent and accept the lord into his heart to avoid eternal damnation.  Hey Mormons- truth is, most born agains and a good percentage of the other Abrahamic factions don't think you're Christian.....   So even your kids could get bullied for being different.  While I find the irony of that somewhat comforting after the money their organization dumped into the Prop 8 campaign,  I will not stand for any child being abused and bullied (not even your Christian kids, which coincidentally aren't protected either.)

  The way the bill reads,  sincerity is the key to protection.  We all should be aware of what Leviticus tells about homosexuality and its consequences (I'm not going to argue the semantics of the scripture, lets just agree that it is generally misrepresented.) Are death threats now tolerable as long as we sincerely have a moral or religious conviction to them?  How about hate speech in general?  The Ku Klux Klan roots their racism and separatism deep in the bible.  How about it being okay for your kid to be called a nigger or a chink or a spic by a teacher, administrator, a fellow student, a fellow students parent, or even the yard supervisor?  Sick, sick shit.

  Bullying is about power.  This bill clearly shows that the Republican Majority (wanna guess what churches they're going to, or which god they're listening to?) in Michigan has the power.  Realistically, who is going to suffer because of this bill?  Is it going to be the Christian kids?  I admit that it's possible but I'd bet my paycheck that it's not likely.  As a parent I have an obligation to protect my children. As a human being, and a member of a neighborhood/city/state/country/planet I have an obligation to protect ALL children.  This bill does just the opposite as it's written.  One simple line shits on the entire premise of the bill by providing the only excuse this country needs to oppress, dehumanize, humiliate, or other wise cause emotional/physical distress and suffering to another human- Religion.

  My advice?  Contact Senator Gretchen Whitmer (I've included her email, and phone number)and tell her thank you for standing up for YOUR children.  Write your own Congressperson and Senator and let them know how much this bill disturbs you.  I hope you do. Otherwise, what are you going to do when it's your kid that's being bullied legally by their teacher?  This legislation could easily become law in what ever state you happen to be reading this in.

http://www.legislature.mi.gov/documents/2011-2012/billengrossed/Senate/pdf/2011-SEBS-0137.pdf

  SenGWhitmer@senate.michigan.gov   517-373-1734