National Day of Prayer (or as I like to call it "Pretending to Masturbate" day)

  Well, it's that time of year again.  Time to bow our heads, clasp our hands together and murmur to which ever deity you currently worship to pretty pretty please with sugar on top and a big fat fucking cherry magically make this place, country, world, or your paycheck better.

 Welcome to National Day of Prayer 2012, Thursday May 3rd.  It's been going on since the early 50's and if you believe the rhetoric coming out of  the current "christian nation" regarding the state of this country and its downward spiral into godlessness it apparently hasn't done one bit of good.  If they have been praying over the last 70 years for the good ole U.S. of A. to become a more prosperous nation and to smite all of these godless, homosexual, liberal, socialist, communist, lazy, hippy, immigrant, traitors,  why the hell hasn't it worked yet?   What did Einstien (attributed quote, I couldn't find citation) say about doing the same thing over and over again, expecting the same results?

  Because prayer is like pretending to masturbate.

   What the fuck is this guy talking about??  Give me a second, I'll get us there. You see, at least with masturbation there is a real and positive outcome.  Regardless of how self gratifying the act is, it still accomplishes what it sets out to do.  Pretending to masturbate on the other hand (pun totally intended) is still a self gratifying act, but accomplishes nothing.   I equate prayer to exactly that.  It's a way to feel connected to something greater then yourself, while pretending to do something to help the world around you.  It is quite simply lazy.

  So, to all my agnostic, atheist, free thinking, skeptic, bright, anti-theist, irreligious, secular, or humanist NON participants in Thursdays pretend circle jerk, I offer you this alternative public physical gesture.   This can be done whether you're male or female. If you should happen upon any participants of National Day of Prayer, try this.

1. With your arm outstretched in front of you, make a fist.
2. Rotate your fist outward (clock wise for your right hand, counter clock wise for your left)
3. Bring your fist (thumb should be on top) to the level of your belly button.
4. Begin making an up and down motion (pointed slightly away from you) with your fist, bending at the elbow.
5. Continue to make up and down motion (feel free to vary your speed and range of motion) while hoping out loud for a problem to go away.  Things I like to say are "I hope these starving kids in the world get some food", or "I'm voting for [insert Republican nominee or bible based measure here]."  Sing a song, or just make a simple proclamation.  Try "Jesus Loves the Little Children" or shout out over and over "Mohammed is the man"...
6. Continue for as long as you'd like.
7. When you are ready to conclude your praying, on your final upstroke,  extend your fingers out as if you were tossing dice and yell "Hallelujah" or "Amen" (R'amen would be acceptable for my FSM friends.)
 or just moan
 
  If you haven't been arrested or verbally accosted by now,  you should thank whoever you've just "prayed" with and politely excuse yourself.  You have now participated in National Day of Prayer 2012.  Pat yourself on the back and continue doing whatever it was you were doing before you affected some great and positive change in this world by pretending to masturbate.

   Instead, maybe check to see if there are any National Day of Reason rallies near you.  Or maybe you could call a family member and tell them you love them,  volunteer for some community work, check in on an elderly neighbor, donate food to a food bank, or clothes to a secular charity.  Do anything at all, but just do something.  And instead of one day a year, shoot for once a month or one day a week. What ever your schedule permits.  I know we all have lives to live, jobs to work, kids to raise, spouses to love, pets to care for, we are all busy people. But we should all try to make some time to help out those less fortunate, to make a change for the better on our own streets, communities, cities, states, country and planet.

  Not because we want to go to heaven, not because we are afraid of hell.  But because roughly 237 million self identifying christians in America think that pretending to masterbate is really going to make a difference.

Finding My Balance

   I think the scariest part of self identifying as "atheist"  for me comes when it's time to face the people I love who are religious.   The ability to balance my own personal lack of respect for "god stories" and the people subscribing to them has been an effort of Olympic gymnast magnitude.  It's been difficult for me to reconcile my own duplicity in this.  The stranger (either on the interwebs, or on the street) doesn't get a warning shot.  If the topic of religion is broached,  I'm going in guns blazing. God help (pun intended) these people proselytizing in public or door to door.  And I refuse to apologize for this.  Yet when my brother-in-law or my mother-in-law wants to say a blessing at a restaurant I might give a little sigh and not participate, but I would never unleash the barrage of verbal vitriol reserved for a fellow human being that I simply haven't had the chance to develop a relationship with.

  Why is this?  How can I justify my own conceivably hypocritical behavior while condemning those acting the same way, but out of "faith".  From life long friends, to family-  I have religious people I love.  Every one of them participating in their faiths to varying degrees of commitment. I have open, continuous dialogue with some (my brother for instance) to a certain unspoken, sometimes uneasy agreement that it just wont be discussed with others.  But this still doesn't answer the why.

  I would like to think that it's because I have gotten to know these people.  That the reasons I respect and love them far outweighs the absurdity of their beliefs (and to be truthful, I do still think they are being absurd.) It seems as if I have always had a line in the sand,  a threshold of tolerance I have decided was acceptable for me.  The older I get though, the more it feels less and less like a line in the sand and more like a wall at a border.  The denizens have now become citizens regardless of their religious affiliations.

  This is where I have apparently become a tad bigoted. I can admit to and own that. Most people that feel strongly enough about their faith to share in a public forum are going to be the same people that would intrude upon my life and my rights by inserting their ideologies and moralities into policy or law.  And while I openly admit to thinking that my ideologies and world views are superior to theirs, its only in one simple aspect.  I don't want to take away a persons rights to believe in a supreme being, or the right to live their lives according to whatever doctrine they follow.  I am okay with you being scared of the spooky all powerful creator being in the sky who will dictate the rest of your eternity,  I'm just not okay with you telling me (or anybody else) I have to buy in as well.

  The last paragraph should be prefaced with it is my belief that there is never an acceptable time for those rules to be imposed upon anyone else, including their own children.  "The right to swing my fist, ends where the other mans nose begins." is I believe how the quote goes. The fact that the breadth of christianity accepts and participates in the mutilation of infant males sexual organs, but throws a fucking tizzy over a zygotes right to life blows my mind. And there is the conflict.

  So am I to tell other people they can't express their belief that homosexuality is morally wrong? Or that abortion should be banned because of your interpretations of a few verses in the bible?  To be frank, I'm nobody and I'm not.  I'm simply saying that laws shouldn't be made excluding homosexuals from rights afforded to heterosexual based on ancient religious texts. And that if you morally oppose abortion, then don't get one.  Can you see the distinction?

  But I'm getting away from it a bit.  It's difficult to remove my disdain for religion from the people practicing it.  If I could only meet this Jesus guy, so I could tell him how much of a total douche he/his dad is (this is not an admission of acceptance to the biblical Jesus being god.) Or explain to Mohammed that it's okay he's gay,  he doesn't have to hate women because of it.   But I can't, so I'm left to deal with the follows, and the leaders of these unscrupulous religions.

  So do I feel bad when I call somebody out over their religious beliefs?  No.   I don't have the time to get to know every believer in the world and decide whether or not they're a fucking shmuck.  I know they are a believer, and more often that not, that's good enough for me.  Will you get a chance to prove me wrong, should our paths cross?  Yeah, just don't expect to convince me by telling me how well you follow your doctrines.  Does that make me feel superior to them on a personal level? Nope.  Do I feel like I'm smarter? Nah,  I'm probably somewhere in the middle of average as far as measurable intelligence goes.  My family and my friends who are believers get a pass. My life, my rules.  Does that make me a hypocrite?  I'm sure that's up for debate.

  I find my thoughts and ideas constantly evolving, (a big difference between myself and somebody of faith) mostly I try to stay tolerant and positive.  Those closest to me do a wonderful job of pointing out when I'm being a complete and total prick, and I appreciate that.  I am in my own eyes a humanist first.  Atheism only describes a certain aspect of me.  I would also consider myself a very proactive anti-theist.  I'm just like most other people. I want to live my life freely. To find happiness and love, to try and make a positive impression on my children and the world around me.  I just do it without believing in any gods.  I have always had a hard time keeping my mouth shut.  Blame it on that damned punk music!!